While looking at pictures of the wedding of Coleen McLoughlin and Wayne Rooney a few weeks ago, I was quite disappointed. I can't imagine what five million pounds look like but I expected a gold-plated gown, gilded flowers, a diamond-encrusted cake, cars for souvenirs and the honeymoon in outer space, among others. If two people cannot resist the urge to declare their commitment to spend their life together to the entire world and would like a meaningful celebration with family and friends, I would rather suggest The Vicar of Dibley's guide to weddings.
The Love at First Sight Wedding
1. The Proposal. As the man you love asks you to marry him, make strange sounds in your throat a la Eleanor Dashwood played by Emma Thompson in Sense and Sensibility.
2. The Gown. Ditch the usual white poufy skirt, lacy veil, long train production and wear something you're comfortable in, such as your pajamas. Likewise, ditch your best friend's idea about wearing a beard or a very tall headdress more appropriate for the Ascot. Maybe you can reserve that for the honeymoon instead.
3. The Entourage. To make sure your wedding is sure to be remembered, allow your matron of honor to dress herself as Doctor Who as portrayed by David Tennant, the brown-coated one of course, and your bridesmaids as Daleks. WAHAHAHA!
4. The Motif. To offset the contribution of your wedding party to greenhouse emissions, go green by decorating the church with fruits and vegetables.
5. The March. For added impact, set off explosions while you are walking down the aisle. That would surely distract you from your deepest fear of making the leap into the unknown.
6. The Reading. Never mind the Epistle to the Ephesians. The Wedding at Cana won't do. How about the entire Gospel of Matthew?
7. The Kiss. Why stop at the groom, everyone needs to kiss the bride!
8. The Hymn. Well, there can only be one Jim's Hymn.
I wish you happiness and joy
And countless years together
And pray that things will never get
As bad as Paul and Heather
Oh, Heather and Paul, they started well
But many a marriage is made in hell
Fingers crossed, let's be optimistic
Yours won't be a divorce statistics
Disasters such as Charles and Di
Make us wonder: weddings, why
***
Nicole and Tom, Jennifer and Brad
Started happy, Ended sad
How rapidly the words "I do."
Become, "Get lost? To hell, we're through!"
But not today, Oh no this is
A marriage made of brick
They'll love each other
Through thin and thick
Unless Harry's a total prick
WAHAHA!
9. The Groom. Oh how can I forget! Only Richard Armitage could look that attractive whilst plagiarizing Gabriel Oak's proposal to Bathsheba Everdene, Whenever you look up, there I shall be -- and whenever I look up there will be you. Unlike Miss Everdene, say yes immediately, before Richard changes his mind.
